waiting to live

It seems such a distant memory,
I read the words of my past self
And instead of looking into a mirror
I am looking at the painting of a character
Contorted in ways he didn’t know,
Lost in ways he couldn’t see,
And haunted by that which
He was helpless to understand.

I feel disbelief from people
When I express my grand contentment.
I don’t need anything, I don’t want much,
Maybe a partner, but I’m not in a rush.
Other than that, I have everything.
What more is there to want than love?
Posessions? Achievements? Property?
I am in pursuit of those things,
And I’ll definitely enjoy them!
But I don’t want them– I don’t long for them,
I don’t think I’ll be significantly happier
Or even an ounce more fulfilled with them.

Indeed, what a strange concept
To most, I guess.
But what would you want any of that for
If you don’t have people to share it with?
What good is a big house
With no love? No laughter? No peace?
What good is achievement without
Loved ones to celebrate it with?

I work with all my energy
Towards many pursuits,
I’m not a monk.
I certainly won’t renounce the world.
But I look to those who truly understand me
To help me appreciate how far I’ve come
To achieve all I have,
And that is fulfilling indeed.

What good are any posessions
If you’re lost in life?
At least for me,
I recall a time thinking
I’d give up everything
Just to find one person, one,
To truly understand me.
How I’ve come so far to get here!

What trifles!
You can’t take them with you, anyway.
Perhaps most people I meet
Haven’t seen death enough
To understand how sudden it can be,
To understand how silly it is
To let your progress on achievements,
Posessions, property, or anything material
Dampen your joy,
Your sense of peace, your fulfillment.
Why wait… Why wait?
It took me so long to ask the right question.

It took me so long to get it,
That all along I had what I needed
To find myself completely satisfied,
What a comical distraction
Looking externally for fulfillment.
If you’re lucky, you might stumble
Into a signpost leading to the path,
But maybe you’re still not ready.

It took what felt like an eternity for me,
Finding the courage to live
In accordance with my values,
To let go of those superficial wants,
To see what I truly needed
And to surround myself with it
Until I was happy
At last.

From across the field
I saw your leaves turn, yet
My roots kept me from reaching you–
All I could do was hum,
I swayed under the moonlight
In awe of your red gown.
In your reflection on the water,
I saw you waver for a moment.

I was so moved I almost fell
Into the sky, though
Watching over these lands
Is all I know of life and love.
My secrets are for songbirds
Who come and go with spring,
But I wonder, watching you
If I’ll forget their calls a while.

The way that smile blossomed
From the light in your heart
And the stars in your sky
Snapped me out of my act,

My composure crumbled
While the final grains of sand
In a long running hourglass
Marked the end and the beginning.

I’m not sure what tomorrow brings,
And I think I’m okay with that
Perhaps for the first time ever.
I don’t need to have control.

I am in love with this moment,
And I know I can’t keep it.
The image on my heart’s film
Will develop for years to come–

And that’s more than enough.

I’m running out of red yarn
And sugar to coat my words,
But I still haven’t found
What I’m looking for.

I turn the dials on my old radio
Until the static starts to whisper,
Like seeing faces in the clouds
I imagined you, across the world
Softly calling out
Through the noise.
But I still haven’t found
What I’m looking for.

I cling to these dreams,
These grand notions of meaning
Which I know are thoughtful delusions,
And the flowers at my window droop.
Is any fantasy is worth forgetting
Those forget me nots and violets
Which were for ages all I had to love?
I know the answer.

Until I find what I’m looking for
I won’t shed my tears
Except to water those patient,
Patient flowers.

While you were sleeping
My candle flickered and
Burned to a puddle in the sconce.
I squeezed every last drop of light
And ink onto the page.
You turned over, and my heart
Went still for a moment
As that flame, at last, gave out.

In those borrowed hours
My eyes sunk, I was short on credit
For sleepless nights,
Feverishly writing
In hopes that I could redeem myself
With eloquent, empty words
That I tried so hard to believe
Were my own.

The dust in the corner of my room,
Dawn peeking over my windowsill in
The color of tiger lilies.
August hangs from my shoulders,
But I am a feather
Lifted by that sweet wind.

Rows of hydrangeas, fragrance climbing
The vines on that final wall in my heart.
The birds join me in song while
The long hand of the clock melts
Into a puddle under my eyes,
What more could I want?

Well,

I admit I have been an extremely harsh critic of myself. In fact, if I didn’t have my writing to hold me accountable I would kick myself down and keep myself down as I had for so many years. What all of that distilled down to is this:

If I’ve learned anything in this life, it’s that a person should judge themselves not by the quantity of goodness they offer the world, but by the quality. In this sense, I could not be any prouder of who I am.

I am constantly on fire. I push myself harder than anyone ever could to learn, understand, grow, and chase every pursuit of mine with all the energy I have. But my fulfillment is not tied to achievement! I think achievement became easier and more sustainable once I saw that my fulfillment is always within reach. If I can center myself in the kindness and understanding I offer to the world, give thanks each day, and appreciate everyone as they are rather than as I’d like them to be, then I’ll always feel as full as I do now.

For many years achievement was a coping mechanism for me. I told myself I could leave my past behind by grinding, acing all my classes, moving across the country to build rockets and saving the world with my writing. Surely that would make it all worth it!

You know what they say though… My plans imploded. God laughed at me for a very, very long time and as stubborn as I am it was years before I decided to laugh along. Being motivated is an admirable thing, but finding healing, finding foundation in your life is the source of true motivational stamina. I had to crash and burn countless times to see that. Maybe you don’t have to!

We possess the ability to see there is love in all hearts, even those we disagree with, but we choose not to. We choose to have enemies, but they are not our enemies.

Our enemy is a lack of knowledge, a lack of awareness, a lack of true understanding that we must fight to achieve. It is not a comfortable or easy fight, but nothing good ever is. Society as a whole is losing the war against a misguided philosophy that prioritizes comfort and conformance over compassion. That prioritizes group identification and “othering” over our sense of oneness.

That is not to say that our differences aren’t important or should be ignored, our various cultural norms, religious beliefs, and philosophical perspectives should be celebrated. But in order to do that, hard work needs to go into building bridges across these divides. We are not enemies, we’ve been sold the narrative that we are. It’s natural to find comfort in community, and we find clarity of identity in opposition to those that stand in stark contrast to it. But what about healing, what about changing the world? What about changing each other for the better? I believe that many, if not most people want that.

The only way to change someone is to first understand them, be with them, listen to them. It takes time, and it takes humility. Sometimes it can be a battle, sometimes it can be a dance, but I believe the effort is always worth it. If the right intention is present, the seed you plant will find it’s way to the light.

Investing in others is the only way forward. Offer them love, even when the rest of the world says they don’t deserve it.

Instead of bearing the regret of what once was or yearning for what could be, I choose to find joy and laughter in the life that I have. This has made all the difference.

In the valley of my heart

The wind blows, the water flows,

And the sun rises

More gently than ever.

My hope feeds the thriving garden

In the pasture I built

Over years of great floods, tears

Of endless loss and longing.

Anger, regrets, and words unsaid

All came to nourish what now grows

And sweeten the fruits of my deeds.

Nothing goes to waste here.

It started with a flower of faith

Which fought with me for the long,

Long winters. For the nights of doubt

That led me astray, and far from here

This faith had brought me home.

It was all the path. It always was

And part of me never doubted that.

This is the only world I have.

Time has gifted me the strength

To tend it, to nurture it into

The world I always wanted to live in

And shelter for any and all to share.